Monday, January 15, 2007STARS
It's exactly two months before I reach my 24th birthday. Some say that the 24th is the biggest turn of one's life. It's when perspectives and ideals change from that of one’s childhood fantasies to the realities of adult life.
Every child I know has in any way dreamt of getting rich or wealthy, at least those who have struggled in life. As years unfold before our very eyes, it seems though that such dream may have only been brought about by fantasies. The fulfillment of such dream seems to fade as we reach adulthood. I can still remember myself dreaming of reaching the stars. Being a kid, I never thought it was impossible. But when I reached high school, my teacher told me that if I do so, I will burn. That’s one dream being turned down, I thought.
Why was it so easy to dream when we were a child? Why did my dreams seem so boundless compared to my dreams now? Why have I become so content with my life now when in fact, I was so restless as a child?
I used to be happy. Now, I feel so empty.
When I was a teenager, I was full of enthusiasm. I would easily set a target, work for it and alas, I would succeed. Now, it’s hard for me to set my goals because I have to consider first if it’s realistic and achievable. I do not know if my growing up developed me or it only made me see the dividing line between imagination and pragmatism. Unfortunately, I became more of the latter.
For me, I “regret” that my only way forward is marrying and having a family of my own. It seems to be the most common thing to do for a woman of my age. Living in a conservative nation when women cannot literally court men they wanted, we are left with no choice but to choose men who are in front of us. One may say that any liberal woman can just do what men can do in terms of relationships; but still, it would take lots of guts to do that. And we’re not so sure if men can accept this kind of action from us.
Sad enough, if we try to postpone marrying, when we reach the age of thirty, men generally tend to lose interest on us. How can we achieve more dreams if the major thing we should do is marry and have a family? I see myself bound in the shackles of marriage, not that I don’t like it but isn’t it wonderful to reach more dreams before committing to a lifetime vocation?
Back to where I started, what is my dream now? Putting aside the tendency for contentment, the fear of being alone and the pressures of discouragement, what would it be?
I used to dream of reaching the stars; then, of entering the convent; then, being a newscaster and stage actress; then, a bank employee; then, the BSP governor; then… I stopped dreaming.
It seems that I made a turn on a road which led me to a blank wall. Nothing in there, neither darkness nor light. It’s empty. But I don’t feel any sadness or joy; just plain contentment. But I’ve been here for so long. Now I’m getting restless.
The only way to look is back to where I started. I dream of reaching the stars.